Seven Years and Counting: Opening the Door to Relationship Work
Reflections on marriage, coaching, and what couples teach us
Last week, my husband and I celebrated seven years of marriage while on the road, leading a retreat surrounded by a group of beautiful humans on their own journeys of growth. The milestone snuck up on us in the midst of our work, and we found ourselves laughing about it over a quick dinner between sessions.
"Seven years," Dario said. "Aren't we supposed to be itching or something?"
That made me curious. What is it about seven years that's earned such a reputation in relationships? The "seven-year itch" has become shorthand for that point when relationships supposedly hit turbulence – when the shine wears off and the real work begins.
Research suggests there might be something to this timeline. Studies show that marriage satisfaction often dips around years three to seven. Some researchers attribute this to the natural evolution from passionate love to companionate love, while others point to the cumulative effect of unresolved patterns finally demanding attention.
But what strikes me most about these findings isn't the potential for crisis – it's the opportunity for deepening that this transition represents.
The Gift of Parts Work in Relationships
For us, reaching seven years doesn't feel like surviving an itch but like crossing a threshold into richer territory. And I attribute much of that to what Internal Family Systems (IFS) has brought to our relationship.
The gift of IFS in our marriage has been profound: the trust that comes with truly communicating, the safety of naming our parts when they arise, the spaciousness that emerges when we're not identified with our reactions.
"That's my achiever part talking" has replaced "This is just how I am."
"I notice a part of me feeling scared right now" has replaced "You're making me anxious."
Small shifts in language that reflect enormous shifts in connection.
But more on this in my next article – I promise to dive deeper into how IFS specifically transforms relationship dynamics.
The Work That's Shaping Our Work
What's been particularly meaningful to us recently is the privilege of working with couples as coaches. There's something uniquely powerful about holding space for two people navigating their relationship terrain together – especially when we can do it as a couple ourselves.
Our approach has evolved organically: we begin with individual sessions for each partner, creating space for them to set intentions, explore what's present for them, and alleviate individual burdens before we step into the work as a foursome.
This foundation of individual work before couple work creates a container of safety. It allows each person to feel seen and held in their unique experience before navigating the sometimes challenging terrain of relationship dynamics.
What we've discovered in this process is that the best thing about being coaches or holding space for transformation isn't what we give to our clients – it's what our clients teach us.
Each couple brings their unique dance, their particular patterns, their specific wounds and strengths. And in witnessing their journeys, our own relationship continues to deepen and evolve. It's a beautiful reciprocity that keeps us humble and growing.
Opening a Door
Over the next few articles, I want to share some of what we've been learning alongside the couples we work with – insights, patterns, and practices that have emerged from this collaborative exploration.
These won't be prescriptive "how-to" guides. Relationships are too complex, too nuanced for one-size-fits-all advice. Instead, I hope to offer reflections that might spark your own curiosity about the dynamics at play in your relationships – whether with partners, friends, family, or even parts of yourself.
Because ultimately, relationship work is soul work. It's where our patterns reveal themselves most clearly. It's where our exiled parts seek healing most persistently. And it's where our capacity for connection deepens most profoundly.
So as Dario and I step beyond our seven-year milestone, I'm grateful – not just for the relationship we've built, but for all we continue to learn from it and from the brave couples who invite us into their journey.
Here's to relationships that teach us, challenge us, heal us, and grow us.
What has your relationship journey taught you? I'd love to hear.
In gratitude,
Anna
Transformational IFS Coach @ www.annamilaeva.com & Co-founder @ www.fino.website - Incubator for Self-leadership.