The Fire Within: Accessing Self by Turning Toward What We Reject
What if the path to your core isn’t through perfection, but through embracing the very parts you resist?
There’s a fire inside you.
Not the kind that burns wildly, destroying everything in its path. Not the kind that flickers weakly, barely surviving the wind. But a steady, living fire - something ancient, something whole, something unshakable.
This fire is you.
Not just the "best" parts of you - the wise, calm, inspired, loving parts. Not just the moments when you feel at peace. The fire includes all of it.
But here’s the thing: most of us spend our lives running from parts of that fire.
We avoid the heat of our anger, so it builds.
We reject our fear, so it tightens.
We suppress our sadness, so it lingers.
We silence our doubt, so it grows louder.
And all the while, we think we’re walking toward Self - the truest, most grounded, most loving version of ourselves.
But the truth?
Self isn’t found by escaping the fire. It’s found by walking straight into it.
The Fire as an Analogy for Self-access
Think of an actual fire. The hottest, strongest part isn’t at the edges - it’s at the core. It’s deep in the center, where everything merges into something steady, powerful, and clear.
Our Self is like that.
But most of us have spent years standing at the outer edges, afraid to get too close. We hover near our "acceptable" emotions - the calm, the rational, the productive - keeping a safe distance from the places inside us that feel too intense, too messy, too much.
We treat certain parts like wildfire - something dangerous that needs to be controlled, suppressed, or extinguished altogether.
But here’s the paradox: it’s only by moving toward the fire—toward the parts we resist—that we truly find the center of who we are.
Accessing Self Through the Parts We Resist
In IFS, we talk about Self as the energy within us that is naturally calm, clear, curious, compassionate, and connected. But that doesn’t mean we "find" Self by chasing those qualities.
We find Self by turning toward the parts that obscure it.
The moment we recognize a part - really see it, with compassion - we make space for Self.
If you feel consumed by self-doubt, and you push it away? It tightens its grip.
But if you stop, acknowledge the part of you that doubts, and say, “I see you,” you’ve already shifted. You’ve moved from being the doubt to witnessing it. And in that space, Self can be accessed.
The same goes for anger, fear, procrastination, or any other part you’d rather not deal with. If it’s pulling at you, it’s not because it wants to destroy you. It’s because it needs something from you.
The work isn’t to fight these parts. It’s to face them. It’s to be with them. It’s to hug them.
Not as an enemy, but as an invitation.
Practical, Not Abstract
None of this is abstract. This isn’t about sitting in meditation and trying to "become" something more enlightened or pure. This is about what happens in real-time, in real life - in the moments when you feel triggered, reactive, stuck, or overwhelmed.
When someone says something that enrages you, and you recognize the fire rising inside—can you pause and notice?
When you feel the pull of avoidance, distraction, or numbing—can you turn toward what you’re avoiding instead?
When you catch yourself in self-criticism—can you take a breath and see the part of you that’s trying so hard to protect you by criticizing you?
Accessing Self isn’t something we do once. It’s something we practice every day, and sometimes in the moments we least want to.
Because here’s the truth: Self isn’t some distant ideal. It’s right here, beneath everything you think you need to fix or get rid of.
And every time you recognize a part - every time you let the fire burn without fearing it - you step deeper into who you really are.
Next: Bringing This into Practice
In the next article, we’ll dive into a simple practice - how to sit with the fire, how to listen to what your parts are telling you, and how to access Self in the midst of real, messy, human emotions.
For now, just notice.
Where do you feel resistance?
Which parts of you do you try to ignore or suppress?
What might happen if, instead of pushing them away, you stepped toward them?
The fire isn’t here to burn you.
It’s here to show you the way home.
In gratitude,
Anna
Transformational IFS Coach @ www.annamilaeva.com & Co-founder @ www.fino.website - Incubator for Self-leadership.