Why Our Parts Get Stuck in Cycles
Understanding what happens when exiles feel triggered and firefighters step in to help
You know that feeling when you have something important to do, but instead of doing it, you find yourself scrolling through your phone for two hours?
Or when you're feeling lonely, so you order food you don't really want, eat it quickly, then feel worse than before?
Or when work feels overwhelming, so you clean your entire house instead of opening your laptop?
These aren't signs that something is wrong with you. They're signs that your firefighter parts are doing exactly what they're supposed to do - protecting you when your exile parts feel triggered.
But sometimes these protective cycles get “stuck”. And understanding why can help us relate to our parts with more compassion and eventually get “unstuck”.
What Actually Happens
Let's say you have a work deadline approaching. On the surface, it's just a normal task. But for your exile parts, it might trigger old feelings of "I'm not good enough" or "What if I fail?" or "I don't know how to do this."
These vulnerable parts start feeling scared, overwhelmed, or ashamed. They're not being dramatic - they're responding to real emotional pain, even if the current situation isn't actually dangerous.
Your firefighter parts notice this distress immediately. Their job is to make the pain stop, so they look for something that will provide relief. Maybe that's food, maybe it's social media, maybe it's reorganizing your closet. Whatever helps you not feel the overwhelm.
This makes perfect sense. Your firefighter parts are being helpful. They're saying, "I see you're hurting, let me find something that makes you feel better."
When Cycles Begin
The challenge comes when the thing that helps in the moment doesn't actually address what the exile parts are feeling.
The deadline is still there. The "not good enough" feeling is still there. So the next time you think about the work, the same exile parts get triggered again. And the same firefighter parts step in with the same helpful strategy.
Before long, you have a cycle. Not because your parts are broken or bad, but because they're doing their jobs really well - the firefighter is protecting, the managers are manging and well … exiles are feeling bad.
But the cycle can start to feel stuck because the protection strategy, while helpful for managing immediate pain, doesn't usually address the deeper hurt that the exile is carrying.
The Misunderstood Heroes
Here's what breaks my heart about how we usually talk about these cycles: we blame the firefighter parts.
We call them "self-sabotage" or "procrastination" or "emotional eating" - as if these parts are trying to harm us. But firefighter parts are some of the most dedicated, hardworking parts in our system.
They're the ones who help us rest when we're exhausted. Who help us have fun when life gets too serious. Who help us soothe when pain feels unbearable. Who help us escape when reality feels too harsh.
The firefighter parts that reach for food, shopping, social media, work, substances - they're not different from the firefighter parts that suggest we take a nap, call a friend, or watch a funny movie. They're all trying to help us feel better.
Some firefighter strategies just happen to be less socially acceptable than others. Some create consequences that other people notice. But the intention behind all of them is the same: LOVE AND PROTECTION.
Why Some Firefighters Carry Extra Burdens
The firefighter parts that get labeled as "problematic" are often carrying burdens that aren't even theirs.
Maybe a firefighter part learned to use food for comfort because that was the only soothing available during a difficult childhood. Now that part carries the burden of believing "food is the only thing that helps" even though there are other options available.
Maybe a firefighter part learned to use busyness to avoid difficult feelings because emotional expression wasn't safe in your family. Now that part carries the burden of believing "I have to stay busy or something bad will happen."
Maybe a firefighter part learned to use substances to feel connected because authentic connection felt too risky. Now that part carries the burden of believing "this is the only way to feel close to others."
These parts aren't choosing harmful strategies on purpose. They're carrying outdated information about what's safe and what works. They're trying to protect using the best methods they learned, even when those methods no longer serve the whole system.
When Manager Parts Get Involved
Here's where cycles often get more complicated: when manager parts notice what firefighter parts are doing and try to control them.
Let's go back to our deadline example. You've been avoiding work by scrolling your phone. Now a manager part notices and says, "Stop wasting time! You're so lazy! Just do the work!"
This manager part is also trying to help. It wants you to meet your deadline, to feel good about yourself, to avoid the consequences of not completing tasks. Its strategy is to motivate through criticism and control.
But here's what actually happens: the exile parts that were already feeling "not good enough" now feel even worse because they're being criticized. So they need even more protection from the firefighter parts. So the cycle continues, often with more intensity.
The manager parts get more frustrated. The firefighter parts work harder to provide relief. The exile parts feel more ashamed. Everyone is trying to HELP, but they're accidentally working against each other.
The Amazing Thing About Our Parts
What moves me most about this work is recognizing how hard all our parts are trying to take care of us.
The exile parts aren't being weak when they feel overwhelmed by simple tasks. They're carrying real pain and responding to triggers that make complete sense given their history.
The firefighter parts aren't being destructive when they suggest behaviors that create complications. They're offering relief using the best methods they know.
The manager parts aren't being mean on purpose when they criticize other parts. They're trying to keep you safe from consequences and help you succeed the only way they know how.
Every part has positive intentions. Every part is doing what it believes will help. The cycles get stuck not because parts are broken, but because they're all trying to solve the same problem using different strategies that sometimes conflict with each other.
A Different Way of Looking
Instead of asking "How do I stop this behavior?" what if we asked "What is this firefighter part trying to help me with?"
Instead of fighting the cycle, what if we got curious about what each part needs?
Instead of judging our parts for getting stuck, what if we appreciated how hard they're all working to take care of us?
This doesn't mean we ignore consequences or pretend that all firefighter strategies work equally well. Some methods create more problems than others. Some firefighter parts might benefit from learning new ways to help.
But it starts with recognizing that every part in the cycle is on your side. They all want you to feel safe, comfortable, and okay. They just have different ideas about how to make that happen.
This Week's Exploration
Notice one cycle in your own life without trying to change it.
Maybe it's reaching for your phone when you feel anxious. Maybe it's eating when you're not hungry. Maybe it's saying yes when you want to say no.
Get curious about the parts involved:
What does your exile part seem to be feeling?
How is your firefighter part trying to help?
Are any manager parts getting involved with criticism or control?
What is each part's positive intention?
Remember, this isn't about fixing anything. It's about understanding the beautiful, complex way your parts are trying to take care of you.
What cycles do you notice in your own life? And what shifts when you see all the parts involved as helpers rather than problems?
Next week, we'll explore the spiritual dimension of this work - how remembering who we really are underneath all the protection transforms our relationship with every part.
In gratitude,
Anna
Transformational IFS Coach @ www.annamilaeva.com & Co-founder @ www.fino.website - Incubator for Self-leadership.